CREEPOZOIDS (1987)

DIRECTED by David DeCoteau

SCREENPLAY by David DeCoteau & Buford Hauser

STARRING  - Linnea Quigley as Blanca,  Ken Abraham as Butch,  Michael Aranda as Jesse,  Richard L. Hawkins as Jake,  Ashlyn Gere as Kate, Joi Wilson as Woman.

PLOT - The year is 1998. Six years ago the world went mad and plunged into a nuclear war. 

In this post apocalyptic world the survivors eke out a bitter existence. A group of military deserters break into an abandoned and disused laboratory looking to take shelter from the poisoned environment outside.

Once inside, they find evidence of genetic experiments that where once carried out in the lab, genetic experiments that went horribly wrong...

Very soon the frightened squad find themselves being stalked and killed by a hideous mutant monster, not only that but theres also a flesh melting virus that has been unleashed in the abandoned base - a virus that turns its victims into mutated killers.

Can the desperate squad of ill equipped young soldiers survive thier encounter with...the Creepozoids ?...

PERFORMANCES  - Creepozoids is a small scale movie with a small scale cast.

Richard L. Hawkins plays Jake, the platoon leader of our desperate band of deserters. He has a likeable enough screen presence but the problem is he's a little bit too likeable - Jake is supposed to be in charge of a ragtag bunch of survivors but he just comes over as being way too chilled out to be wholly convincing.

Surely, a man placed in a desperate situation like this (post apocalyptic world, leading a scared bunch of deserters, sheltering from literal acid rain in an abandoned lab whilst his crew are being picked off one by one by a genetic mutant) would need to be a bit edgier, a bit more authoritative, a bit more stressed out ? But, no. Jake acts more like he's leading a pleasant works day out. He's more like a jovial elder brother figure than a hard edged military renegade. Still, Hawkins does rise to the task of wrestling with inanimate rubber monsters with great enthusiasm and abandon, so thats something at least.

The other main character is 80's scream queen legend Linnea Quigley playing the role of Blanca. I've always found Quigley quite amusing to watch. She's not a "good" actress in any conventional sense but she always seems to be having fun with the material she's given to perform. She's got this really deadpan voice and style of line delivery which is weirdly distinctive. It sounds like she's ironically taking the piss out of the increasingly bizzare situations her characters always seem to find themselves in. This film is no exception and as a result she's just as funny and endearingly watchable as always.

The other characters are all pretty much cannon fodder to be picked off by the monster and/or succumb to the deadly virus and as such don't make a huge impression. 

Ken Abraham plays Butch (Blanca's lover) and seems to live up to his name with his cocky attitude and tough guy growl but he quickly unravels when faced with the hideous genetic mutant. He's kind of like Hudson in Aliens but doesn't last as long (also Abraham isn't as good an actor as Bill Paxton was). 

Ex porn actress Ashlyn Gere plays Kate, who also doesn't last long. Bizzarely (considering her previous occupation), out of the two female leads Gere is the only one who remains fully clothed throughout the entire film.

SFX - For fans of 80's V.H.S era practical effects Creepozoids is a real treat.

You want an Alien-esque "man in a rubber suit" mutant monster ? This film delivers.

Or maybe you'd like some Evil Dead style zombies ? Again this film has got you covered.

Or how about some melting humans ?

Or giant killer rats ? (That are completely static and unanimated and require the actors to hold them up to thier own necks and thrash about like lunatics as they're being "attacked").

Or how about a mutant killer baby that looks a bit like a cross between Baby Oopsie Daisey from Demonic Toys and the killer baby from It's Alive ? 

Creepozoids delivers on all fronts. Its about as representative of 80's B-movie horror/sci-fi effects work as its possible to get, and I mean that in the most complimentary way there is.

SEX AND VIOLENCE - Linnea Quigley has boobs. Linnea Quigley likes to show you her boobs. Linnea Quigley likes to show you her boobs in every single movie she appears in. Creepozoids is no exception.

Linnea even gets to have shower sex with Butch. This scene fullfills Linnea's contractually obligated "boobs moment" for this film.

In terms of violence we get lots of melting bodies, alien slashings and at one point a nice goretastic severed head.

Oh, and poor old Richard L. Hawkins gets bodily thrown into nearby shelving units by the rampaging monster A LOT. Honestly, you could start a drinking game with how many times this happens.

RATING  - Creepozoids is never going to set the world on fire as a benchmark for quality filmmaking but it is a hell of a lot of fun. If you're looking for a cheap and cheerful, fun cheesy Aliens knockoff then look no further than this.

3 and a half shelf bothering bodyslams out of 5. Cheesy fun.

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