ROBO VAMPIRE (1988)

DIRECTED & WRITTEN by Godfrey Ho. 

STARRING  - This film has a VERY large cast, most of whom only appear onscreen for a few minutes at the most. 

For reasons known only to the internet, theres not much information out there detailing who plays which character (even IMDb is spectacularly unhelpful), the only actor to play a character that I can definitely confirm is that Harry Miles plays Tom Wilde/The Robo-Warrior, theres also somebody called Nian Watts appearing in the film and another actor called Robin Mckay but as to which characters they portray ? Your guess is as good as mine...

PLOT - Mr Young is drug baron who has become tired of his drug smuggling business being interrupted by the activities of the Anti Drugs Agents. To protect his operations Mr Young has come up with a new plan - to smuggle drugs inside the coffins of Chinese hopping vampires, the vampires will act as guardians and destroy any unwary agents that get in thier way.

Tom Wilde is an anti drugs agent (one of the very best), whilst intercepting a drug shipment Tom is attacked by the super vampire that is guarding it. Tom is killed in the line of duty.

However, the Anti Drugs Agency revive Tom, turning him into a cyborg. Tom has become the Robo Warrior - part man, part machine, all drug enforcement agent. Mr Young and his vampires had better look out...

DIALOUGE  - Ghost girl - "Please don't kill us, we love each other. You CAN kill us...but ONLY after we've consumated our relationship."

PERFORMANCES  - As you can see from the lack of cast information above, it's going to be very hard to judge anyone's performance in this film as I don't actually know who is playing what character.

Its also not helped that Robo Vampire is actually two separate, completely different films shoddily edited together to form one confusing, plotless mess. Characters come and go  with little relation or interaction with one another. Watching this film melts your brain, so just imagine what it's like trying to review the damn thing.

Furthermore, all characters are badly dubbed with voices that make them sound like they're appearing in a 1980's Saturday morning kids cartoon, further rendering any attempt at even trying to critically appraise anybody about as pointless as using an empty crisp packet and an elastic band as a form of effective contraception.

All I can really confirm is that Harry Miles plays Tom Wilde. He's got a blonde pudding bowl haircut, is dubbed just as badly as everyone else is and gets killed after being onscreen for about five minutes about twenty five minutes into the film. After that he's resurected as the Robo Warrior and stomps around the place really, really slowly fighting hopping Chinese vampires.

He tries to do the whole "turn your head first and move your body second" thing that Peter Weller does (much better) in RoboCop but it just looks really clumsy. The main thing to note is that he displays about as much emotion in his robotised form as he does when he's playing a normal human being. This probably speaks volumes.

As to the other characters ? Mr Young just gesticulates madly with his hands every time he speaks. There's some other "action hero" martial artist type who leads a bid to rescue a captured female anti drugs agent and theres also a ghost girl who has a romantic relationship with the main vampire. It's all as ridiculous as it sounds.

SFX - Good grief...

First - there's the Robo Warrior himself - a "robot cyborg" who looks like  a man dressed in leftovers from a sportswear department sprayed with silver spray paint (funnily enough this is exactly what it is)...

A Poundland RoboCop for life.

There's a great moment when the Robo-Warrior gets blown up with a bazooka. This is achieved by wrapping a dummy in tin foil and setting it on fire.

The vampires look like someone's smeared dogshit all over thier faces.

Best of all is the so-called "Super Vampire" which is a bloke wearing a rubber gorilla mask who fires cheap fireworks from out of the sleeves of his robe.

SEX & VIOLENCE  - The aforementioned ghost girl wears a see-through top with no bra throughout the entire film. For some reason when battling her enemies she randomly decides to get her tits out, just because...

The ghost girl also gets amorous with the head vampire. If you've ever wanted to see a ghost lady have sex with a man in a cheap Halloween gorilla mask then...this ISN'T the film for you, as Robo-Warrior conveniently turns up just before anything explicit happens. Serves you right, you perverts.

In the drugs war subplot (which is footage spliced in from a different movie) a female anti drugs agent is raped by a grinning henchman (it cuts away before we see it, but the implication is DEFINITELY made clear).

In fact, all the footage taken from the other film is completely tonally at odds with the Robo-Warrior sequences. The bits with Robo-Warrior are all campy and ridiculous, whereas the parts spliced in from the other film are a lot grittier and grimier, all the violence is a lot more realistic (well, as realistic as it can be in a low grade movie anyway), its not fantasy violence involving cyborgs and vampires, instead its normal people getting shot and beaten up. There's one part where our heroes arrive in a village that's been wiped out by the drugs cartel. We see dead children lying in the street, it's like an atrocity from the Vietnam war or something - its actually quite shocking and disturbing for one brief moment and comes out totally left field.

There's also a scene where we see a real dead cow being sliced open, again it's completely at odds with everything else seen onscreen.

Mind you, theres still room for some silliness even in these more grim segments. Evil drug dealers get shot, blown up and kicked about with a variety of OTT Kung-fu moves. One hapless guard gets thrown off a roof and its obvious that its clearly a dummy.

Another henchman gets his eyes gouged out, only to return a scene later with his eyes miraculously healed and back in the fight. He later gets punched and lands arse first in a vat of boiling oil. 

Tom's death is quite amusing. He runs at the Super vampire and gets blasted with vampire magic (cheap fireworks) and promptly dies...

Remember kids - never throw fireworks !!!

There's a pretty gory vampire attack in the pre-credits sequence. An agent gets into a fight with a vampire and, first, gets strangled...

...and then gets bitten on the neck. The vampire rips out a big, bloody, meaty looking chunk of neck gristle and chews it for our delight. Actually, the actor playing the vampire looks like he wants to throw up when doing this - he's definitely gagging on that raw uncooked meat they've made him stick in his gob.

Finally, not so much violent, just utterly ridiculous - theres a scene where Robo-Warrior chases a vampire. The vampire hops, Robo-Warrior stomps (very VERY) slowly after him.

Hop, hop.

Stomp, stomp.

Hop, hop.

Stomp, stomp.

Hop, hop.

Stomp, stomp...this goes on for about three minutes but feels a lot longer. Its got to be the SLOWEST so-called "action" scene thats ever been filmed.

RATING  - This film is certifiably INSANE. Its also an utter mess. Tonally all over the place with non descript characters that you don't care about, ridiculous action scenes and a plot that makes no sense. Needless to say its a must for fans of bad b-movies.

My only gripe with it is that the more "realistic" scenes from the other film slow it down a lot - I want to watch a film about a poor man's RoboCop fighting hopping vampires NOT a film about a drug enforcement agency rescuing some trapped girl. Nevertheless, even these scenes do have some good moments. 

Watching this film will fry your mind faster than any of Mr Young's drugs ever could. Even the film's title makes no sense - Robo Vampire? Its not about a robot vampire, its about a robot that FIGHTS vampires !!!!

3 bargin basement cyborgs out of 5.

ART -