TV MEMORIES # 2 - BBC 2'S MYSTERY TRAIN

 Picture this...

We are in what appears to be a corridor in the London Underground. It is lonely and deserted. Suddenly, from out of nowhere a spectral figure materialises - a gaunt looking bald headed man dressed in a white raincoat. He appears to be running from some unseen pursuer. He frantically keeps looking behind him but we never see what is chasing him.

The spectral man runs fearfully down the corridor, eventually he runs out onto the platform of a train station. We notice that there are other figures standing on the platform - commuters waiting for the next train to turn up. These commuters are all dressed in old fashioned style clothing, 1940's/1950's hats and coats. It's only when we look closer do we realise that these figures are not human - they are shop window dummies, nothing more.

Suddenly a tube train pulls into the murky looking station. Our hero runs towards the opening door. He stops. Standing in the train's doorway before him is a dark figure. This newcomer looks identical to the bald ghostly man except that he is dressed entirely in black. He also wears dark glasses and a fedora hat upon his head. He smiles a sinister smile...

Our hero and the man in black both merge together. The man in white fading away completely until only the sinister man in black remains. The man in black turns towards the camera - towards us. He smiles again, only this time he beckons us to join him. Whilst this has been happening a slow, mournful guitar chord has been playing in the background. The music stops. In it's place we hear the howl of a wolf. Onscreen a title appears - The Mystery Train...with Richard O'Brien.

So began BBC 2's new series of late night horror, sci-fi and cult TV programming. It was October 1991 and the mystery train had pulled up onto our screens to make Friday nights more interesting for those of us who preferred our entertainment to be that little bit darker and more unusual.

The show was presented by Rocky Horror Show creator Richard O'Brien (the best Doctor Who we never had). At that time O'Brien was also presenting The Crystal Maze - a weird problem solving gameshow that was a forerunner to today's escape room craze - over on rival network Channel 4. O'Brien had a sardonic and off kilter air about him and was a perfect choice for hosting a regular evening of off beat cultish entertainment.

The basic format was this. O'Brien would wander around the fog laden underground tube station introducing each film in his own slightly sinister manner, occasionally he'd interact with one of the shop window dummies. Eagle eyed viewers would occasionally pick out details of the mysteriously deserted train station, most notably that this tube station had a sign up proclaiming it to be Hobbs End - the setting of Quatermass and the Pit.

After O'Brien's introduction we would then be shown an episode of Kolchack - the Night Stalker. Kolchack was a 70's american TV series about a down at heel reporter Carl Kolchack (Darren McGavin) who keeps stumbling upon supernatural creatures seemingly wherever he go's. It was a fun little "monster of the week" series and has often been cited as being an influence on the X-Files.

Following Kolchack there would then be a short and usually surreal animated film (think Jan Svankmayer and his ilk). The evening would then end with a 50's sci-fi B-movie before O'Brien would bid us farewell for another week and BBC2 would closedown for the night.

The first "episode" of Mystery Train was broadcast on October the 11th 1991. I was 17 years old at the time, still living with my parents and was attending West Nottinghamshire College of Further Education doing a Media Studies course. 

It was the October half term, so there was no college that week. In fact me and my parents weren't even at home. We were on holiday in Scotland renting a cottage for the week.

I can't remember the name of where we were staying - it was some tiny little Scottish village. I can remember there where only about four houses there. There wasn't even a post office or a village pub. Complete quiet desolation with only the sheep and the craggy Highland landscape to keep us company.

I knew it was going be quiet so I made sure that I took a big bagfull of books and comics with me to keep me entertained. At the time I was heavily into Stephen King. I can vividly remember being sat in that tiny cosy cottage reading The Tommyknockers whilst the howling northerly winds whipped around the little bungalow. It was here on the Friday night that I saw episode one of The Mystery Train.

After O'Brien's quirky introduction we where pitched headlong into the Kolchack episode "The Werewolf". This story dealt with Kolchack going on holiday on a cruise ship only to discover that one of the passengers is a Werewolf. A series of murders ensue before the creature is apprehended and poor old Kolchack has yet another "hot story" that his paper refuses to print. This happens to Kolchack every week I was to discover, his editor just thinking that Kolchack is either joking or mad. So the story gets buried, just another day in the life for our intrepid porkpie behatted hack. This episode features one of the silliest looking Werewolves I've ever seen...

Following Kolchack there was a short animation called He Was Once (which I remember absolutely nothing about) and then onto the main event - a showing of The sci-fi B-movie classic Attack of the 50 Foot Woman.

I absolutely loved this film when I saw it, although I do remember being puzzled as to how they managed to find her a bra that fit her considering her tits would probably be about 10 feet high each individually. Its strange what enters the adolescent mind...

It was probably the strength of this movie alone that got me tuning into the Mystery Train over the following weeks.

The next week (October the 18th) I was back at home. That week's episode of Kolchack was "The Spanish Moss Murders" and the movie was "Earth Vs the Spider". I vividly remember watching Kolchack but my memory is hazy regarding the film. I know I didn't stay up to watch the animation segment that week (in a break from the format it was broadcast last), the animation was an episode of Aeon Flux and it didn't really appeal to me at the time.

I missed the next couple of weeks. You have to remember I was 17 at the time and was just getting interested in girls and going down the pub, so I was probably out with my mates at the time. I think my mum taped I Was A Teenage Werewolf for me on the night of October the 25th as I remember watching it on the Saturday morning whilst eating my breakfast.

The next (and final) real solid memory I have of the show was the edition broadcast on November the 8th. I don't remember which episode of Kolchack was shown (to be honest they all kind of blur into one after a while) but I do remember the animation very clearly that week. It was called 25 Ways To Quit Smoking and was directed by Bill Plympton.

It did pretty much what it said on the tin. A cartoon man tries increasingly more bizzare and desperate ways to cure his addiction to the evil weed, each attempt resulting in a weird punchline which probably caused our protaganist more hassle and pain than if he'd just carried on smoking.

I can remember really liking the sketchy illustration and animation style, it was just all so quirkilly odd.

Following this mini-masterpiece was a screening of Invasion Of The Saucermen. An oddball B-movie comedy about alien invaders who are defeated by hot-rodding 35 year old teenagers. The "teens" kill the aliens by shining the headlights of thier cars onto them, which seems a bizzare achilles heel for an alien invasion force to have but there you go...

I don't really have any more memories of the show after that week. It was now firmly into the run up to Christmas, so I guess I was probably going out every Friday down Mansfield drinking. The series only ran for a few more weeks and ended on Friday December the 13th. It did not return for a second series.

I don't know why it wasn't recommissioned, I knew of several people who watched it so I think it got OK viewing figures. Maybe Richard O'Brien didn't want to do a second series or maybe it was just a little too niche even for the then wildly experimental BBC2. The BBC would try another "horror host" style show over the next few years with Doctor Terror's Vault Of Horror which ran for several years (more on him another time) but alas the Mystery Train had pulled in to its final destination.

It was an interesting little experiment I think and I remember it with great fondness, its a pity it never came back or at least got repeated. For a little while though, in the early 1990's, BBC2 treated us to a great little slice of late Friday night weirdness. Those where the days...